RIPJH

About four years ago, while I was painting my dining room, I suddenly remembered a guy from my childhood that I hadn't thought about in years. This was not a fond memory for me. This guy was handsome in that painstakingly beautiful way. Yet, he had a cruel streak in him and because I was the gauky, six-foot kid who would never get any dates in middle school I seemed to be the target of his distain. If he had been openly hostile, I might have been able to react with some equal hostility and perhaps through the years his slight may have faded. Instead, he went out of his way to let me know he would ignore me, because I wasn't worth the lint on his jacket. His meanness was the sort that could only be honed by true arrogance and a belief that he was truly better than me. When I was within ten feet of him I felt that distain and was always very confused by it, since I had never done anything to hurt him. There was just something in me that he wanted to crush. In a way, he succeeded.

On the flip side, his two younger brothers were very nice to me. I was actually surprised at how nice the youngest one always was. It almost felt as if he understood how arrogant his brother was and therefore he was embarrassed by it.

Well, anyway, through the years, this guy meant nothing to me, so I was surprised why I was suddenly thinking about him a lot and getting mad doing it. I was even starting to remember events that came from some deep crevace in my brain.

This past year, I caught up with his brothers on Facebook. Out of curiosity I started looking for the mean brother. All other siblings were there but he was not. Maybe he was too good for Facebook, I surmised. Then, tonight I had a thought. I Googled the guy. His obituary came up. He had died three years ago from cancer.

I would like to say that I was truly sad and shocked, but I did not have the most magnanimous of thoughts at that time. Yes, I said silently, "serves him right. Maybe he will know the hurt he caused now." I gave myself my 30 seconds of pettiness then left the room to pick up my son. Afterall, I know I caused some bad feelings for others during that time in my life.

While in the car, I started listening to a poem that someone was reading on "This American Life". A line in the poem struck me. It referred to life not just being about kindness toward others, but the forgiveness of others. I don't know if it's stupid or even arrogant for me to forgive this guy for his silent cruelty of me in my adolescence. I don't know if four years ago, after the guy popped into my head after being gone from my life for twenty-five years, if he was reaching out to ask for my forgiveness. I don't even know that I am that angry with him. I do know that a moment of kindness from him would have helped boost my self-esteem at a time when I desperately needed some boosting. But, even so, I am letting it go. He is in a better place. And there is something really odd (or maybe not) about how he popped into my head during the time he was most likely suffering from the disease. I believe in a cosmic attachment between all humans, and maybe in his lessening days on this planet he was making amends. Dunno. But, I release ye, JH. Sorry we couldn't have been friends. Maybe there is a lesson in that for both of us.